Grief Library

E-mail this article
Printer-friendly version
Return to Grief Library

My Husband was Murdered

by Paul V Johnson

Dear Paul:

My husband Paul was murdered about two months ago. He was a security guard at a closed mine. He was always alone on the job for two weeks at a time. He did not carry a gun, so he could not have hurt anyone. This mine is situated far into the bush, my husband had to rely on a radio-phone.

On the night of his murder, he was ambushed by four young men who went to the mine to steal some copper. They would not have had to kill him; he only weighed 123 pounds. He was 59 years old. They beat him to death.

My daughters and I are devastated. My husband and I were very close. I love him with all my heart, so now how am I supposed to go on without him? Even now, I feel that some day he'll be back. I can't even do my housework properly. What I wouldn't do for just a simple hug from him!

I'm trying to keep my anger for those guys from consuming me. It will be a long time before we can get on with our lives, because we have to go to court. These guys have been charged with first degree murder, but I don't know if they will get what they deserve.

Is it normal for me to feel so overwhelmed all the time? I'm trying to be strong for my daughters. They range in age from 17 to 31. They are wonderful daughters, but they have their own lives to live. I can't always be calling them every time I need some support, can I? I also have some wonderful friends, but it's the same with them. I don't want to bother them too much either.

My husband and I always talked a lot together. We were never bored with each other. We did everything together. We would have been married 33 years this year. We have ten grandchildren, with another one "on the way." My husband was so looking forward to seeing that new grandchild.

Again, I say that I don't want to let this anger overtake me, because I am not a violent person, but sometimes it just feels like too much to endure. What can I do? Thank you for listening to me.

Inquirer

Dear Inquirer,

I was very sorry to read about your husband's death. This is a very difficult time for you, and understandably so. Even the circumstances of your husband's death are contributing to your difficult grief experience because it was so unexpected and it didn't have to happen!

Your anger is very understandable and you certainly have everyone's permission to be angry--anyone in a similar situation would be angry as well. You talk about your anger "consuming you" or "overtaking you," which is a definite possibility if you do not express that anger and let it out. It will have negative effects on you if you keep it in or "stuff it" rather than expressing it. Keeping it in or "stuffing it" can lead to psychosomatic illnesses as well as to depression, so it is important for you to get it out.

I don't know how you have expressed anger at other times in your life. Even though this situation is by far the most significant thing about which you have been angry, the way in which you have expressed your anger in the past might work in this circumstance as well. Are you a screamer, a door slammer, one who participates in heavy physical exercise, etc.? All of these are ways some people vent their anger.

Im glad the individuals responsible for your husband's death have been apprehended and, though it will be difficult at times, maybe the judicial process can be a way for you to vent some of your anger.

You are very unselfish in worrying about not bothering your daughters or your friends by calling them when you need support. We all need people whom we can call in such circumstances, and I am sure they are all very willing to have you call. I don't know if there is a bereavement support group that meets in your community, but I would definitely urge you to attend those meetings as well.

You mention feeling "overwhelmed all the time" and I think that is directly related to the circumstances of your husband's death and then the relatively short period of time since he died. Since he would be away from home for two weeks at a time, it is understandable that you might think that he is just away and that he'll be back at the end of his shift. You had no reason to believe he wouldn't be fine; so the news of his death has left you feeling shocked and disbelieving. As the reality of his death becomes more of a certainty for you, you will be able to face other aspects of the grief experience.

I wish you the best as you continue to work through this very difficult time.

Paul